pylea | i can never leave the past behind;

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i can never leave the past behind;

ALL OF THE GHOULS COME OUT TO PLAY
THE VAMPIRE DIARIES |

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secretshame | TVD: pre-series. | where jenna becomes responsible and elena takes ten steps backward only to move five paces forward.

The last thing Elena hears is laughter. She had been laughing in the car with Mom and Dad, sitting in the back seat as they approached the bridge. And then -

What comes next is a blur. Elena's entire memory is groggy; she feels sluggish and slow, like a broken doll that's been put together with superglue but still is missing little vital pieces. When she comes to, it takes seven seconds for her mind to flicker into action, properly identifying the room as a hospital room. The itchy sheets that feel too thin to be her own between her fingers are those that dress the beds in the hospital she hasn't seen since she broke her arm at the age of fourteen. And, even then, she never saw these sheets; it was when Jeremy had severely injured himself that she was introduced to them.

Elena's hand goes immediately to her head. An IV is lodged into her vein. She moves awkwardly, tilting her head around to grab a sight of something identifiable. Where's the car? Where are her parents? She keeps looking for them, but she can't see their familiar figures standing at her bedside. Her mother's warm touch, her hand grasping her own, is missing. Elena feels ice settle in her chest.

The attempts to lift her head so she's not lying flat leads to her vision being blurred and a spinning in her sight. Everything is better if she stays horizontal. Her attempts only saw her head lift slightly from the very thin pillow; she doesn't feel strong at all. It's as if someone's drained her of all of her energy. She doesn't even know if anyone else is in the room, but she needs to be able to find her voice. If she can't, then this is all a dream she's experiencing while sitting in the backseat of her parents' car.

Her voice is croaky and soft when she says, "Why am I in the hospital?"

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Elena tries to remember how she got out, but comes up with a blank memory. She doesn't understand how. If they went off the bridge, did she somehow pull herself out of the car and swim ashore?

She looks down as she tries to keep her mind from wandering too close to the boundary she doesn't want to step over. When she looks up, she just catches Jenna's minor moment of trying to collect herself. Elena's always seen her aunt so vibrant and bright, and it's taken her too long to notice that the fire within Jenna has stopped burning.

She grits her teeth and stares Jenna down, mostly just to connect herself with the woman. She doesn't mean to interrogate or push her, but if she looks away or doesn't ask it properly and loudly, she won't believe it at all. She doesn't think Jenna's ever lied to her, not about thing as serious as this. Her voice is hard as she tries not to fall apart, "Did Mom and Dad make it out?"

In her heart, she already knows the answer. Instead of phrasing it more as a statement that she's already thought up the possibility, she makes it even harder. Elena hopes Jenna will lie to her.

And then Elena asks that question and Jenna knows it's come down to the punch line. She takes a deep breath, knowing she has to do this right, has to just come out and say it. Be strong, Jenna. For Elena.

Jenna raises her head and looks Elena straight in the eyes, her own swimming with the pain she's been wrestling with for days. Slowly, she shakes her head. She's never lied about important things, not to Elena, and she desperately wants to keep the lines of communication and trust open between them. She's going to need Elena's help with Jeremy; she already knows that. If Elena can't trust her now, there's no way she'll help with her brother.

And Jenna needs as many people on her side as she can get.

"I'm so sorry, Elena," she whispers, reaching a hand to her niece's arm. "You were the only one who made it out."

She expects tears, a crying fit, and is prepared to either pull Elena into her arms or flee the room to let Elena cry it out herself.

Elena's never seen Jenna look so - She isn't sure how to describe it. This isn't Jenna, the one she's come to know as the cool aunt who lives life to the fullest and does things her mother isn't quite proud of.

When Jenna confirms her nightmare - and that the river of denial she's floating in - are true, she doesn't think or feel anything. It's moments after the final blow that she senses Jenna's hand on her arm. Elena's spare hand grips Jenna's wrist tightly.

It really hasn't hit her why the void in her chest and the dropping of her heart to her feet occur. Her parents can't be gone. They're not supposed to be gone. A tear falls before she can wipe frantically at her eyes; the hand gripping Jenna's leaves it momentarily to do this before coming back to it's home.

"No," she says, shaking her head. "It was - They can't be, Jenna. How could I -" She honestly doesn't remember how she got out of the wreck. She doesn't want to tell Jenna why they were in the car. She's so ashamed of herself, in this moment, that she's the reason why they were on the road and not tucked safely into their home, and the fact she can't remember her last final moments with them in the water.

Jenna wished she could have lied, could have said anything else, but she knew she couldn't. So, she just squeezed her niece's hand tightly and pursed her lips against the flood of tears she knew were going to unfold if she didn't hold on as hard as she could.

"No one knows," she murmured in answer, wishing she had a better one to give, one that would make more sense and be more reassuring. Unfortunately, that was all she had, the truth of the matter. No one knew how Elena had survived when her parents had not, but there she was. She was lying here, not Miranda or Grayson, and while that was the good thing in the long run, Jenna already missed her sister desperately. They'd never been particularly close, especially not recently, but Miranda was still her sister. This loss would always hurt.

"But you're here. And it's gonna be okay." She didn't know how, but... somehow. She hoped. She swallowed hard past the lump in her throat.

"They appointed me as your legal guardian."

Elena grips that hand like a life force. Her entire world is spinning and Jenna's touch is the only thing keeping her grounded. Her head feels like it's been filled up with air; she hears Jenna's voice as though it's coming through a fog, or a really thick blanket.

Her grip on Jenna's hand doesn't waver. She hears what she says, that she's now her guardian, and despite the storm that races around her heart, she feels as though a worry that was gnawing at her bones has lessened somewhat. They're in the safest hands they know; she and Jeremy won't be split up.

But the idea that her parents are gone still feels so foreign, like a really horrible joke someone says in desperation to break the tension of an all too quiet room. The words have hit her like an avalanche to the earth, but she hasn't felt the crushing weight of the rocks just yet. "Where's Jeremy?"

The tight grip on her hand nearly swung Jenna into a panic. She wasn't used to people relying on her this much, especially not for something so serious. It felt strange, surreal, like she was watching everything from the outside or that she'd wake up and it would all have been a dream, even though she knew it wasn't. This was their new reality.

"He's at home," she admitted. "I didn't want to have to tell you both at the same time, so I told him first and then came to check up on you. The doctors don't want to let you go for another day at least, so I'll stay at home with him, but if you need me, I'll give you my number so you can call."

Her cell number, since she's pretty sure Elena remembers her own house number.

Jeremy knew.

She wanted to know how he was coping, if he was coping at all. Jeremy was someone she couldn't quite pin down when it came to dealing with the big emotional stuff. He didn't wear it on his sleeve like she did. And the fact that he's so young ...

Elena's heart seemed to seize in her chest. She nodded, not quite hearing Jenna at first. It didn't feel real at all; the news that Grayson and Miranda were literally gone hadn't formulated in her brain as of yet. It sat on the surface, but Elena couldn't quite feel it yet.

"Is he okay?" she asked, not quite looking at Jenna. She saw the outline of her shoulder, her eyes focusing on the corner of the room. She paused, swallowing thickly - and for what seemed like hours - before she glanced to Jenna. Her eyes seemed comfortable in settling on the planes of her face. She looked so worn. "Are you okay?"

Dumb questions, but Elena needed to not be stuck in her own head.

Where Elena didn't want to be stuck in her head, Jenna didn't want to be stuck in hers. She wanted to think about something else, someone else. Not her, not her own feelings or how much time she'd spent crying over this when she'd found out. Not her sister and brother-in-law. Nothing.

"No, but I didn't know what else to do for him," she admitted, looking sideways out of the window. Jeremy was a stranger to her, and she had no idea how to cope with him or what would make him feel better. "I'm fine, Elena."

It was a complete lie, but she'd already done her crying.

"Jeremy ..." Elena exhaled, glancing away for a moment. Jeremy was a tough cookie. She knew this would tear him up on the inside. She didn't know how to help him properly, either, but she knew she'd try. The most important thing was for him to know he wasn't alone. "We'll be with him together."

Taking on the role of care-taker for Jeremy was normal. Her parents were always tentative towards him, but Elena always felt like she had a decent relationship with her brother. She felt as though she could fall back onto that during this incredible shift in their lives. Anything she could do to help Jenna would keep her distracted from falling to pieces.

She still couldn't believe it, though. Elena glanced at her aunt, belatedly, as her mind had wandered towards Jeremy. Firmly, she said, "Jenna ..." She didn't understand how she could be fine. But she knew Jenna was strong; she was the strongest person she knew. "Do you know how long I'm going to be in here?"

Jenna nodded, fighting her own emotions for the sake of her niece, being as selfless as she had ever been in her short life. Jenna wasn't used to this sort of thing. Normally, she would have taken the news with a bottle of alcohol and a good high, but if she was expected to be the legal guardian to two broken teenagers, she couldn't be irresponsible like that, no matter how much she wanted to. She had to do her best for them.

She shook her head at the question. "I just got here a few minutes ago. The doctors would barely tell me anything because I'm not your mom."

And that had hurt. She'd had to go all legal on them, show them the papers, and step-by-painful-step prove to them that she was Elena's legal guardian.

"The nurses said it might be a few days, maybe a week. They want to keep you here until they're sure you're okay."

What went unsaid was that Jenna would do her best to be there for as long as she could manage. She didn't want Elena to be alone for this.

“I’m okay,” Elena said, thinking about raising her arm to show that all her joints were working. She wiggled her toes, shifted her fingers, even bent her legs a little at the knee to ensure that all bones were intact. “I feel fine.” If she happened to ignore how sore she felt. Her chest felt as though she had been coughing all day, entirely sore and abused. She didn’t feel like she had any broken ribs, either. She raised her hands in front of herself and wiggled her fingers, “See.”

The eagerness to get out of the hospital, despite how groggy she felt - or how sore - seemed to push the pain and the denial away. She wanted to go home to Jeremy, ensure that he was all right, and somehow make sure that Jenna was okay, herself. She could only imagine that the reminder of her sister was like an arrow to the heart, and as it pained Elena to think that her mother wasn’t here to take this burden from Jenna, she knew it had to be harder on her. Elena still had Jeremy. Jenna had lost her sister. Focusing on her aunt rather than herself was an easier task than falling apart at losing someone so integral in her life.

But then, Jenna wasn’t the only one to lose someone. Elena didn’t know why she thought of it, but her filter seemed to dislodge itself and disappear for the moment. “Does Uncle John know?” Maybe, then, Jenna wouldn't have to do this all by herself.

Being able to see that Elena could move around certainly helped with Jenna's confidence and fear of the situation, but she would never stop worrying. She'd heard how bad the crash had been and she knew it would take all of them a long time to get over the effects of what had happened. Elena may have been in a hurry to get back home, but Jenna wasn't sure that was such a good idea. Not yet.

And part of her wanted a chance to get Jeremy back on track before Elena got there.

The question about John Gilbert proved to be more of a distraction than Jenna could have hoped for and she rolled her eyes at the topic change. She harbored a lot of angry feelings where Jackass John Gilbert was concerned and those pushed away some of the worry and pain she was feeling.

"Oh he knows. He wants to come down for the memorial service. I told him to get a hotel room. He's not staying with us."

Elena couldn't help but smile a little when she caught the eyeroll. She wasn't Uncle John's biggest fan, either, but she tolerated him and kept herself in check while he was around. She wasn't sure why Jenna disliked him, but she wondered if her ill-feelings towards her uncle had impacted how Elena saw him.

"Did he want to stay with us?" There's a difference between wanting to stay with them and voicing it, and wanting to stay with them but really not voicing it at all. Elena wouldn't admit that she kept smiling a little at that, at Jenna's use of 'us'. Jenna wasn't going to give up on them, wasn't going to separate her and Jeremy, or keep herself a part from them. She didn't think Jenna would do that, but just hearing it somehow warmed Elena. She wasn't going to be alone.

Jenna had her own far more personal reasons for disliking John Gilbert, but she wasn't really incline to tell Elena them at the moment. John wasn't the point. Elena's well-being was.

"I think it was less wanting to stay with us and more wanting to assert himself as the head of the household," Jenna grumbled. "I told him to bite me and get out."

The last thing Jenna wanted was for John to come bursting in, claiming he could be their guardian. As afraid of it as she was, she knew she would do a far better job than he would. She wasn't going to give up on them, even if she messed up a few times. All the time. Jenna would do what she had to, anything she could, to make sure Jeremy and Elena would be okay.

Elena cracked a grin. Jenna was someone who didn't take anyone's crap, regardless of who they were, and that's the one thing she always admired about her aunt. Her hair was the other.

"Well, if it means anything, I'm really glad you're our guardian," she gave Jenna a kinder smile, one that was far away from John Gilbert. "I feel a lot calmer. A bit confused, and I'm ... still processing, but I'm glad you're here." No offense to Uncle John, of course, but he wasn't a very calming presence. He was commanding and forceful, and also very silent and detached. Jenna was commanding and forceful herself, but there was something different about her way of going about it than John's.

Elena found herself playing with the hospital blanket in an attempt to distract herself, and in an attempt to downplay her confession. If Jenna didn't want to be their guardian, she didn't want to guilt her into it. But she wanted to know that she was grateful for her presence, no matter how short-lived it happened to be.

Elena's words did help a little bit and Jenna offered a small smile in return. Unsure of how to respond to all of these positive words, she ducked her head a little and focused on reaching for Elena's hand just to have something to hold onto.

"Like I was going to let Jackass Uncle John be your legal guardian," she replied with a roll of her eyes as she lifted her head again. "Besides... your mother would never have forgiven me."

And that was also the truth of the matter. Miranda would have been extremely upset with Jenna if her sister had denied guardianship, and even though Jenna had thought of it at first, she figured it meant something that she'd eventually taken it anyway, once she'd weighed the options.

"Do you want me to stay the night with you?"

Elena curled her fingers with Jenna's. She liked the bridge she was creating with Jenna. It was something that felt familiar, but a little bit different. Her aunt reminded her of her mother, but in a way that was brighter, a little less restricted by how she wanted her children to perceive her.

Yes. It was on the tip of her tongue, ready to burst, but Elena had to swallow down the eager shout she knew would escape from her lips. She wanted Jenna here. She didn't want to be alone. She didn't want Jenna to leave. But she wasn't sure if it was what Jenna wanted, or what was good for Jeremy, but she knew that if she were left alone to her own thoughts that she may crumble.

"I'd really like that," Elena said, softly. She was nodding her head a little. She meant it. She wanted to be selfish in this instant. She didn't want anyone else in this very moment. "I don't want to stay here alone. I'm not the biggest fan of hospitals."

Jenna had had little reason to care about how anyone felt about her - or at least children-sized "anyone" - before this, so it didn't matter very much that their relationship was going to be different. In the long run, this difference would be better for her. Jenna didn't want to be a replacement for Miranda, after all.

"Then I'll stay," Jenna answered with a small smile. "I may have to plead school work later on and go get my thesis notes, but... I'll make sure it's really quick, okay?"

After that, she would stay as long as Elena wanted her to. Or before it. Jenna really didn't want to do her schoolwork today. Not that she ever did, but that was entirely beside the point.

"I don't want to take you away from school," Elena said, a tad hopelessly. The fact was, she would end up doing that, anyway. Jenna was changing her entire lifestyle for them. The least she could do for her aunt was try and make it somewhat normal for her. Her staying in school was important, so if Elena could lessen the burden, maybe keep an extra eye on Jeremy, then she would.

The fact was, Elena wanted this all to be as normal as it was yesterday. That way, she could imagine her parents weren't gone, that her world wasn't shattered to its very core.

Elena took a moment, glancing down before looking back up to make eye contact. Sincerely, she said, "Thank you, Jenna. You don't know how much it means to us that you'd do this." She wanted to believe that Jenna was doing it because she wanted to, not because she had to.

"Hey, you're more important than my thesis and if my professor doesn't understand that, he can deal." It was the truth, honestly, and even though Jenna might worry a little bit about it, she needed to make sure Elena and Jeremy were doing okay first and foremost. Otherwise... they might get taken away from her and she didn't want that.

With a hesitant smile, Jenna reached out to gently and carefully push back a piece of Elena's hair. "You're my family. I'm not gonna leave you with someone else." Or with the only other family they had, Jackass Gilbert. That was the last thing she wanted and she would do whatever it took to make sure that never happened.

It took a moment for Elena to react physically to Jenna's comment with a small nod. Her comment left Elena feeling like she'd been hit with something large and fast. She felt as though she'd lost her family the moment the notion of her parents being dead had been uttered. With them both gone, that meant she and Jeremy's lives were up in the air. Jenna didn't owe them anything, although Elena suspected she felt as though she owed her mother (and it was a tiny suspicion, as Elena liked to think the best of everyone) and she was selfishly glad for it.

There was a great thick blanket of guilt drifting over Elena as they slowly went back and forth over the idea of Jenna taking on more responsibility than she had to. If she hadn't been at that party, if she had've just listened to her parents, then Jenna would be able to focus on her thesis tonight, Jeremy wouldn't be so broken, and Elena would feel like she was falling to pieces underneath Jenna's small touch.

She blinked, but felt the tears start at her eyes again. She glanced down for just a moment in an attempt to collect herself. With a nod, she quietly said, "Thank you, Jenna. Really." And she'd try and help her out as best she could, because if it wasn't for her, none of this would be happening right now.

Jenna would be lying if she tried to say she didn't care anymore about all of this responsibility. In all honesty, she was terrified - and what she wouldn't do to be able to go get high right about now to distract herself from everything - but she had an obligation to Elena and Jeremy now. Cravings and responsibility to her school be damned; her niece and nephew needed her. They were far more important.

She just... didn't quite know how to comfort them yet. Elena wasn't acting as confident as she always had. Jenna knew she must have been taking the accident very hard. She searched for something else to talk about, something that wouldn't depress them both.

"...Why don't you tell me about school? How're things going? How's cheerleading?"

A distraction would help, right?

A distraction would help. It seemed as though Elena's mind wasn't quite up for the task, though. Talking about cheerleading made her think of Mom and how she joined to follow her footsteps. Elena shrugged, "Caroline's running us into the ground. But it's the same as it's always been."

Cheerleading was a topic she didn't quite want to venture into. Jenna wanted to know about school; Elena figured she could at least prepare her for what was to come. She didn't think she'd have any problems integrating back into school life after this, but she knew that Jeremy liked to pretend everything was fine. He was the problem child, the one who didn't follow in everyone's footsteps like Elena did, and she worried what would happen in specific situations with specific people if he was pushed too far. "Mr Tanner's really got it in for Jeremy, though."

Preparations would certainly help. Jenna wanted to know what she was getting herself into. Well, part of her wanted to know. The rest of her was terrified of it and what she had to deal with regarding Jeremy. Not really sure what else to do, she let Elena guide the conversation.

"What do you mean?" she asked, frowning at the mention of some guy named Tanner. She'd have to look at the list of teachers, too, and prepare for Parent / Teacher nights. Oh great. Jenna paled slightly at that thought.

Why was she doing this, again? Oh right, she wasn't letting Jackass Gilbert get his hands on the kids.

"He's hard on everyone," she tried to clarify. Singling Jeremy out was probably not the best of ideas she'd had so far, but she knew that she couldn't ignore her concern for him. Tanner had the ability to break the toughest person down into tears. She could handle him on her case, for her sloppiness at completing homework and the set readings, but she didn't quite know if Jeremy could take any more beatings than he already had.

She shrugged, trying to phrase it in a way that would achieve what she didn't wish to convey; singling Jeremy out. "Jer's sensitive. And Mr Tanner ..." She sighed. She was really kidding herself thinking she wasn't as sensitive as Jeremy post-all of this. Not quite meeting Jenna's eyes, Elena continued after a few beats, "He just knows what buttons to push."

That clarification didn't really make Jenna feel any better about all of this, but she pursed her lips and nodded anyway. "Okay. I'll deal with it." Somehow. She still wasn't sure how they were going to manage all of this, but somehow they would have to.

She was terrified of the responsibility, but what was more frightening was the idea that she could fail them and then lose them. If she had anything to say about it, that wouldn't happen. Adulthood. Right. She could do this.

"He'll be okay. And so will you."

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